This is such a personal post and one that I have been hesitant to talk about it only because of the pain behind it. But why hold it back? Why keep my story a secret? Why be trapped by fear?
I am currently pregnant with my third baby and this is my fourth pregnancy. Fourth pregnancy, third baby, I had a miscarriage. I hid it. Every pregnancy after I was terrified to share my happy news fearing having to go through the pain all over again. But I don’t know what I was more afraid of having a miscarriage or having to tell people that I had lost my baby? It was all of it but more so the fear of having to go through it alone.
There should never be anything to fear about sharing the fact that I had a miscarriage but I was. I worried about the feelings coming out unexpectedly and having to explain what was wrong and not being understood. I was worried about what others would think. I worried it would happen again. I wanted to make sure that if I was going to miscarry again it was just going to be painless and only between my husband and myself. But where is the support? My close family didn’t understand my pain fully and my husband hardly gets it, actually he doesn’t understand at all.
I chose to share this pregnancy early on because why hold back the greatness? Because of fear? Because I didn’t want support and love if I had to face another loss? I had two healthy pregnancies and needed to let go of my own worries that were keeping me from being truly happy. By the time I usually share the good news the pregnancy is almost over! I wanted to experience this pregnancy with full intention and share with everyone how happy we were to be blessed with yet another sweet little one.
There are so many of us that don’t speak up, that don’t let others in when support is needed most, and the pain builds up. Reaching out and finding women that knew my pain that I could talk through it with would have helped the healing. Knowing I could talk about it with no fear of judgement because it did happen, I was carrying life, life that had meaning and I had hopes and dreams to share a future with and now its gone, would have helped my bitter heart heal. Being able to talk through my feelings and getting support and prayers from strangers even if they didn’t understand is love in itself and its what I wish I had when I was going through my loss. I only talked briefly about my feelings with a couple friends but never truly expressed my hurt and how I was feeling emotionally. I think if I would have been more open I wouldn’t have been so paranoid and nervous to the point of making myself sick with my second pregnancy and could have enjoyed my pregnancy more.
photo by Jessica B Photography
“A Rainbow Baby is a child born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. The term has encouraged parents to share their stories of loss – and the babies that followed.”