TRIGGER WARNING – MILDLY GRAPHIC
When you find out you are pregnant your mind is sucked into a whirlwind of emotions from excitement to nervousness especially if its your first pregnancy. There are so many thoughts that run through your mind – “how far along am I?, Have I been eating healthy?, Where and who do I choose to be my dr?” I mean the thoughts run endlessly, at least for me they did.
As soon as the initial shock sunk in back in 2011 that I was going to be a mom I was able to feel pure bliss and excitement with my husband. We hadn’t planned this pregnancy but we were happy and thinking about the future. I told my mom and soon after all of our family knew the news. I shared the big secret with just a couple of close friends. I was scared I didm’t know what to expect and of course hopped on the first pregnancy board and began looking at tons of threads from other ladies due around the same time. At the time I found out my husband and I were out of town visiting family, we were living in D.C. at the time. I could’t get to the doctor so the anticipation was building wanting to know how far along I was, and if the baby was healthy. The birth board I had joined was feeding my questions but also feeding my anxiety. Reading story after story some good and some bad, its crazy I only seemed to find the bad threads and they stuck with me.
Going off of my last cycle I was about 6 weeks along. I started thinking about whether or not it was a boy or a girl and even playing with names. Then it happened, using the restroom. A trace of old blood. I knew this because Google and the birth board were my BFF. It was no doubt the “first sign” and I was freaking out. Crying….sobbing. But everything was fine. I went to the ER to get an ultrasound and there was a little baby bean, a little heartbeat, and my levels were going up. I left feeling confident.
The next week it happened again this time a tiny spot of red. Back to the ER because I am a paranoid freak and wasn’t ready to face the facts. Luckily everything was fine same as last. A baby, heartbeat, and levels were going up.
I went to the ER 2 more times that week before my last trip. A total of 4 trips all telling me things were fine. The one last time I went in with a plastic zip lock with a passed yolk sac.
It was the most heartbreaking experience. I felt the pain and I knew. I knew the feeling wasn’t right. I should not want to tighten my abs and push. Going to the bathroom every 5-10 min was not supposed to happen. There was a heartbeat yesterday. My levels were still going up. There is not supposed to be all this blood. I was falling apart. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to save it. I had to. My heart was shattered. I spent 4 weeks/ 28 days thinking, planning, hoping, loving and now it was gone and all I had was a zip lock bag and a saturated pad.
The ultrasound confirmed. I felt helpless because everything was supposedly fine. I made sure to make sure everything was fine. What went wrong? I heard it all from family – “its common, there was something wrong with the baby, its natures way of handling deformities, it wasn’t your time, you will have another one, at least it happened early” The comments go on and with every comment and attempt to make me feel better I grew bitter and broken.
I needed my paperwork from the hospital visits. I wanted answers. I wanted more than the first time pregnancy statistics. I was 10 weeks when I miscarried. The baby stopped growing at 8 weeks as per measurements. My levels were going up but not doubling every 48 hours. They were only rising 100 or less. If I had known this! This important information I could have somewhat prepared myself. I would have been a little ready. I wouldn’t have been blindsided. I was living on hope and faith with every ER visit.
The next week was painful, emotionally. A reminder every time I went to the restroom. No one understood. I just cried. I hated every pregnant woman, cried when I saw a baby, and felt numb when someone would say they were sorry. That was the hardest part, telling everyone and facing it. I wanted to talk about it but there was only so much to talk about with others without being redundant. I didn’t share my feelings and I felt it all alone.
I got pregnant 2 months later with my Rainbow Baby, Lylah. She was the gift I didn’t know I needed to fill the hole in my heart. That wound was healed but I still think about it and it hurts just not as bad now.
When I found out I was pregnant for the second time I was so worried. I worried myself sick. I checked myself every time I went to the restroom, purchased a home doppler and checked for a heartbeat everyday. We didn’t tell our parents until I was 10 weeks along and had several confirmed “viable pregnancy” check ups under my belt. I made the select few that knew not to share anything. Even with just a couple knowing I still felt hesitant and a sinking feeling in my heart.
I didn’t announce to the world until I was 16 weeks along and still everyday I worried. I think it was beyond a normal amount of worry. It was unhealthy and I was terrified of losing another baby.
I have since had a second healthy pregnancy and again didn’t announce until 16 weeks. I wasn’t as paranoid but still had the hesitation and fear. I don’t think the worry ever really goes away. I believe its completely normal as mothers to have concern for our babies in womb and out its just a matter of not allowing our fears and anxieties consume us and finding peace.