“Why?” That has been the question circling around in my head for over 3 weeks but if I am being honest with you I’ve been thinking ‘why?’ a lot longer than that.
I stopped caring about the social media world 22 days ago. I didn’t want to look at it, think about it or dare post another thing. Sounds so dramatic, right? I had had it emotionally, mentally, and physically. I lost every ounce of inspiration, motivation, and give a damn for social media the day I looked back at the “Instawrothy” photo I had taken on my son’s 5th birthday that I was getting ready to edit and post for yet another photo on the web that means absolutely nothing to anyone, sadly that included myself. It hit me in the face like a ton of bricks as I scrolled through my photo album looking for the picture I was going to post. There it was, horrifying and paralyzing to my mama heart. There I stood holding my son’s hand in a self glorifying pose. I made sure to look down before the picture was captured at my boy to see if he was in the ‘right’ pose aesthetically as well. wow. Who am I? Who have I become? I swiped back over to the picture in my album that set all of this in motion for me, it was the one I took of my husband and my proud 5 year old. My husband kneeling down and holding our boy tight all with smiles. It sank deep, I could feel everything swelling up in my throat. It hurt so bad physically trying to keep it in but, even more so emotionally. I just stared at their photo and couldn’t believe myself.
So here it is instead of thinking I want a picture with my baby on his birthday I thought, here is a great opportunity to have some content up to post later and how great we had on matching shoes so let’s take a pic and maybe I can get 30 sales off this look. Instead of appreciating the moment and loving on him, kneeling down and holding him close I stood turned away from him halfheartedly grasping his hand so I could take this precious moment and POST IT on social media for strangers to see and in the end ruining something that truly meant something to me but I was too in my head to realize it.
The only thing I could think is, “what the hell am I doing this for?!”. What/who is all of this for? I look back and I think of all the times I have been in this spot, wondering why, but this specific place was different. In the past I had noticed myself taking these 2-5 day hiatuses. I was on pins and needles trying resist the urge to create new content and schedule new campaigns yet that time spent not feeling obligated to post felt so amazing. It was nice to not have to do anything but I could never turn it off. I couldn’t walk away from it freely as it’s always in the back of my head. I’m constantly thinking about what my next move will be, what creative content I’ll share, what photo took take, how to edit it? Thoughts carry on, never giving me time for rest, never allowing me to be present, stealing my time, stealing my joy, robbing me of inspiration.
I knew a break was needed or even an end to this chapter of my life. I needed some space. I needed to figure out what was driving me and what my purpose was in this.
When I first started my blog I wanted it to be a place for inspiration, a place to inspire other women and mothers to find the creativity, joy, confidence through fashion, my personal mom stories, or a few random posts that might bring out a smile. For a while it was just that and I was loving being able to share and be creative but I soon became so consumed in it. There are aspects of this blogging life that have changed me in good ways and I have met some incredible people throughout this journey. However the majority of what I think back on or what I see in the future is complete overwhelm. The fight for numbers, the algorithm, the engagement, the time I spend staring at these devices, and completely missing/ ignoring everything and everyone else around me.
I get told all the time in blogger groups the key to balancing is hiring an assistant, getting a nanny, work at night or enroll your kids in daycare bc it will change your life and you will have the time back. “The time back?” You mean the time that I gave up caring for my children, The time I spent talking to my phone screen instead of listening to my daughter tell me about her day, the time I said no to going to the park bc I needed to get an IG post created, the time I gave up looking up to see the world around me, the time I gave up turning down a relaxing evening with my husband so I could work? All of that time wasted.
I know this overwhelm is/was a struggle with balancing, knowing when to be still, a little mom guilt, and knowing my worth isn’t in numbers. The big question for me was, what do I do? There is no secret or special workshop that can magically make this balance out. I needed to time the time to reevaluate what I wanted and dig deep to figure out what the purpose was.
I know that I love connecting, I love networking, I love sharing real life moments, I LOVE fashion. Meeting new people and being able to connect and network through social media is amazing and can lead to wonderful friendships and endless opportunities. Sharing the real is something that gave me the passion to start this blog to begin with, being able to share the good, bad, beautiful, up’s and down’s, struggles, and achievements that I’ve experienced in hopes that someone will come along and feel like they can overcome a similar struggle or know they aren’t alone in a situation. And the creative joy I have for fashion and expressing myself through fashion is what helps me get a little more excited about my day. I love how putting on an outfit can make you feel 70% better on a crappy day or how finding new ways to wear clothing that has been sitting in your closet for months or years can spark some creativity. I love mixing prints and colors and sharing tips on ways to wear them. Giving women a look book of what to wear outfit inspo. Clothing is just a material thing, I know, but we have to have it so why not have fun with it. If I can help someone from my experiences feel a little better, inspire someone, or give just one person a push towards feeling confidence within them self, I’ll take it.
Those are the things that make me want to keep pushing forward with blogging and my time on social media. At this point its about how I am going to share with everyone without having an attitude or feeling of self glorifying, look at me, are my numbers high enough, what is the point of this, does anyone even care? I’ve got to remember that it is okay to have something for me and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it but I also need to pay better attention to the time I’m given and stop worrying if what I enjoy matters to anyone else other than myself.